Life is fleeting. I'll turn 45 this year, Lord willing, and I suppose if I have my mom's genes I am about halfway through my life. If I have my dad's, then, probably a little more than half. Though, he was chain smoker for decades and almost made it to 80. I've never smoked, so I suppose 85 isn't out of the question. I guess when I hit 40 I started thinking about what I wanted to get done in my life. One of the things was to let my dad know I had forgiven him for the hurt and pain he caused. The man really screwed me up, and but for God's grace it is no telling where I would be. I could be the drunk on the corner begging for money. I could be the drug addict that can't stop. I could have been a gang or worse. I'm no perfect angel by any means. I am extremely flawed. If you knew everything about me or all of my thoughts, you would run away screaming. But don't worry, if I knew all of yours, I would do the same. The Doc has shown me a lot of grace, and that's something I see in her that I love. It's a hard thing to find.

My dad never responded to the letter I sent him. As hard as it was for me to write, when he died a year ago, I was sure glad I sent it and I meant what I said to him. By the way, if you are struggling with forgiving someone in your life, I would recommend the book, Total Forgiveness by R.T. Kendall. It really helped me. Funny thing is, I learned of this book from a friend of mine who is doing life for murder. He's on year 35, I think. The mother of the man he murdered came to see him one day about ten years ago. For decades she had understandably carried anger, hurt, and bitterness toward him, the justice system, God, and probably others, too. The people around her at her church actually encouraged her to carry all of that, telling her she didn't have to forgive the man that murdered her son. While maybe true, carrying all of that certainly wasn't going to help her heal and live the life her son would have obviously wanted her to live. Somehow that mom came across that book, and after reading it she was able to forgive my friend in a healthy manner, even to the point of going to meet him, tell him this story, and giving him this book so he could forgive himself for killing her son. He told me about the book, I got a copy, and that's how I came to forgive my dad, and others who have hurt me. I probably need to reread it. It has been a few years.

In the blink of an eye any of us could be gone. I learned tonight that my neighbors lost their 14-year-old child in a car crash on December 26th. I had heard about the crash, but since it was in another county, I didn't pay much attention. You know, you hear bad news all the time, so even what is generally said news, doesn't hit you when you don't seem to have a connection to it. I am crushed for this family. I am tough here a lot of times. I have to be tough in life, if I don't, I will cry every day because I hurt when I see others hurting. Tonight was a night where Service and Service's mom cried. A lot. We do not know this family very well. I speak to who I think is the granddad every once in a while. To make matters worse, the older bother was also in the vehicle. He is battling for his life at Duke Hospital in Raleigh. He has a severe spinal injury, and cannot feel his legs. I would see both boys every day on the street shooting basketballs on the portable goal they have at the curb. While a lot of the kids over here are problem kids, these two young men were polite, respectful, and talented ball players. There were several times I thought I should go out there and shoot hoops with them, but then I thought, they probably don't want this middle-aged white dude messing up their game. I would have shocked them though. I can shoot. There are not too many things that sadden me more than to see a young person lose their life or get severely hurt or get a disease. Please. Hug your kids. Go play that basketball game. Forgive those that wronged you. Life is fleeting.

Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 01/09/2025 09:00AM by ServiceAward.

That's good that you were able to get closure with your dad and not let it weigh you down without any regrets by being sincere. Glad that you moved forward. If you reached out, that's really all you can do. Just me speaking, if it was a closer relationship, then maybe seeing and talking to the person was important. Depending on the relationship and circumstances, some forgive more for themselves to not carry that weight.

I don't have any experience with this, but I'm moved when I watched those TV shows. How some family members of the deceased are able to forgive. And depending on the circumstance, plead for a reduced sentence for the offender. I watched some videos, where people are just thankful for a parent having them and don't expect anything else. Well, those are extreme examples.

That is sad to hear about the car accident.

I believe I went through something what may be termed as a quarter-life crisis. Not saying that you're going through a mid-life crisis. For me, therapy actually helped a lot. A professional who is equipped to listen and assist.

But the past two years, me and my family were able to get closer to our dad with his condition. Understanding more about his large family and upbringing, I have better insight and perspective on his behavior. When he does go, there won't be any regrets. My mom has lived a fulfilled and healthy life, and is still crazy healthy. At this point, we just provide everything and give them what they need. Personally, when I wish they could live longer and pain free, I'm in a good place. Me and my siblings in our immediate family are all set. My girlfriend is independent and set.

Financially, I'm glad that I sowed the seeds early and jumped around industries to get varied/in-demand experience and higher than market earnings. I have a good manager and part of a high-performing team, but there's no guarantee it's going to last long. Health wise, I think I've laid the foundation for healthy habits. It'll just be a matter of doing it consistently for at least a year. In that sense, we're all good. On a lighter note, I hope to marry my girlfriend and have tons of kids! My secret dream is to be a stay-at-home dad and let her be the breadwinner.

I had to distance myself from most of my relatives after my grandparents passed. Grandma in 1993 and Grandpa in 1996. I talk to my mother on occasion, but I don't get involved with her or her life, she lives with 2 men, one of which is my ex-husband.

My father died in 2001 on jan 1, during one of this tantrums where he wouldn't speak to me, except through his wife. Four days later his wife called me stupid because I supposedly didn't know that my dad loved me. I was leftover rotten garbage from the day his son was born when I was 10. If we didn't jump and run when he said we became "enemies." When I got my smog license he sent my brother to me to do an illegal smog test for him (I refused, so I was cut off from contact for nearly a year). And shortly after that he used my good reputation at the local community college to get elected to the college board without my knowledge or consent, and two of my professors refused to speak to me after that.

More recently, my sister, less than affectionately nicknamed Satan, decided to tell me that I'm a mooch, that all I ever do is beg for money. It's been close to 40 years since I've asked anyone in my family for any thing, and the last thing was when my ex-husband (who currently lives with my mother) stole my truck from me after I left the shelter for battered women and tried to go back to work. I'm sure it was either her or my mother who told him I was out and living on my own again.

I understand that forgiveness is for giving yourself peace, but I can't let my guard down.

Honey. -takes your hand and gently kisses the center of your palm- As I've shown you grace, you've shown me the same in return. You are a good man, and I'm a better person for knowing you.

Oh families....the source of joy or pain and often both.
My mother and I were often at odds throughout her life.....I lived several states away from her for decades.
In the last year of her life, she begged me to come home, to spend time with her. She knew she was dying.
So I did.
We took rides and went to lunch and chatted. I took her to her doctor appointments. It gave my siblings a break as well.
We got to know each other better. She especially got to know me better. Over time, she opened up and apologized. She apologized profusely.
It was hard to accept her 9th inning apology, but what are you going to do? kick a dog while they're down? no.
In the end, it just brought us both some peace.
Peace is worth it. Peace is worth it all, to me.

Thank you all for your comments, and for sharing your own thoughts and stories.

@Okie, I've not thought about whether I've had a mid-life crisis. Tough to tell given everything that has actually happened the last decade or so. May will mark 3 years since I have been in counseling. I could have been done a long time ago, but I continue to go a couple times a month simply because I have so much on plate, it helps to talk about it all and to make sure I don't fall into past pitfalls. My treatment was for PTSD. There are still some effects from past trauma that come back every now and then. I am 1000% for people seeking out help through a counselor or someone similar. Just make sure it is a good one and they have the proper training. For me, the first person I went to was not equipped to help me. If you could have seen me three years ago, I was just a shell. I could hardly talk - and you know what a talker I am. I just sat there and cried for an hour. The women looked at me and said she couldn't help me, and that I needed someone who had special training. It took a while, but I finally found someone and she has been great.

You said something about your dad and his upbringing that reminded me of mine. When I got older, I learned some things about my dad's childhood; such as, he was lied to for the first 40-years of his life about who his biological dad was. He had been told and naturally had no reason to question it was the man who was married to his mother and with whom she shared a last name. Around the time he turned 40, he was told it was another man. Dad was probably always relationship cheater, but I think a lot of his violence and craziness came after learning all of this. There is truth is the saying, hurt people hurt people. It takes guts to break that cycle, and a part of that is getting into therapy.

I don't know how old you are, but I think you are spot on with your idea of how to approach your career, then relationship. That's what I wanted to do, but instead jumped into a marriage fresh out of college and at the age of 22.

@Morledzep, I hate the dynamic you have described. I see why you and your son got away from all of that to an extent. I struggle with keeping my guard up. There is certainly a time to do that, especially with people who have repeatedly hurt you. One of the things that held me back for years from forgiving my dad was out of the lie that if I forgave him, I had to have a relationship with him or let him back into my life. Understanding that forgiving in no way meant allowing yourself to be a doormat for abusers really helped me. It's funny. Back last summer I was in a thrift store and had a conversation with an older gentleman who was looking at stuff near me. A few minutes into our conversation, he asked for my name, which I gave him. I was looking at stuff while he was talking and I missed what he had asked me, and I responded with a no. I immediately realized he had asked if I was related to someone, and the name he stated was my dad. I did not go back and correct myself. The man went on to say how the man, my dad, had passed away earlier in the year and what a great man he was. It was all I could do to hold back and not correct him. I didn't, because I figured forgiveness extended into death, too.

@drdoggie - There are few good men, and I'm not one of them. You have shown me I have a future. It has been a long, long time since I thought that. * deletes the sweet comment so as not to disgust the fuddy duddies * Thank you.

@barefoodbliss - I 100% agree with you.

Thank you as well.
I believe that therapy is a gift we give ourselves.

I'm still relatively young, but this past year has felt like three years. It's good to pamper yourself every once in a while!