My Dad Passed Away Tonight

ServiceAward · 2024-01-24T08:08:39+00:00

My Dad passed away tonight. I had not seen him in person since I was 15. I'm 43 now. He wasn't a good man, but most of us, if we're honest with ourselves, aren't. I've taken a fair share of left turns in life. Dad was a lousy husband. He was married 4 times. My mom was wife #3. Wife #1 and #3 had the same name. Wife #2 and #4 had the same name. I think when you're running around with multiple women it must help to limit the number of names involved. I don't know. I've only run around once in my life. I know, I know. Not good. I paid a heavy price, more than you know. Others paid an even heavier price. Beyond his flings with women, my dad was abusive. I can still vividly remember him hitting my mom...and me. When I was younger I had severe asthma. My dad was a multiple-pack per day smoker. That was back before the high taxes were levied, when smoking was "cool." He would deliberately smoke in the house and blow the smoke directly on me, sending me into an asthma attack. There were other things he would do to me that were not good. Finally, when I was 9, he left us. A few years later, in an effort to get out of paying child support, he tried to get custody of me. That battle went on for years, and did not do anything to endear me to him. In fact, it was quite the opposite. Many times, both when he lived with us and when I was made by a judge to see him, I was in fear of my life. I sure thought he would kill us one day. When I was made to go on visits with him, he would speak terribly about my mom. She, by the way, has been a strong mother. Not perfect, but she has stood by me in the lowest points of my life. Never excusing me, but loving me. I am pretty sure there were times after my dad left that she sacrificed eating in order for there to be food for me to eat. On the last visit I had with him, he brought wife #4. As soon as I entered the vehicle, I let him know that my mom wanted him to drop me off at her workplace at the end of the visit. Immediately, my dad and wife #4 began speaking nasty words about my mom. I guess at 15 I had enough. From the back seat, I leaned forward with both fists raised. I told him, if either of them said another bad word about my mom, I would hit them. My dad turned the car around, took me to my mom's workplace and told me to get out of the car. I never saw him in person again. He dropped all legal efforts to see me. As a young adult I carried a fear that he would come back and harm me or my mom. Some of his family members are nuts and had been threatening in the past, so I was concerned about them, too. Years later, I got repeatedly harassed via e-mail by my dad's sister. I carried a lot of hate toward my dad over the years. I made several poor decisions because of it. I missed out on a lot of enjoyment, too. I made my goal in life to never be like my dad. It sounds good, I know, but I didn't understand that my goal needed to have been to be more like Christ, not just do better than my dad. That wrong goal, I think, really messed up my marriage. It certainly didn't keep me from having an affair. When I was in the middle of mine, I remember thinking, how did my dad do it? I mean, I could hardly look at myself in the mirror. And when I did manage to lift my face, I didn't recognize the man who was reflected at me. I suppose that's where my acting skills came in handy...well that and mystery shopping. We tried to bandage our marriage back together, but for a variety of reasons, it didn't work. I went through a lengthy period of trying to figure out where and how I went wrong. There was a lot of painful self-reflection. That was when I realized that being better than my dad was a floor, not a ceiling. Those of you who are Christian know when God is putting something on your heart to do. Sometimes it is something we do not want to do. About 6 years ago God put on my heart to write my dad. "No way," I said. I couldn't shake what I believed God wanted me to do though. A year later, I picked up a pen and I wrote one page. I put it away, and another year went by until I pulled it out and wrote more. That time, I wrote 30 pages. I spent many months revising it, then had a friend, a man who has been like a father to me, read it and give me his feedback. I considered his thoughts, prayed, and revised the letter more. I think I must have re-written it 7 times. I got it down to 22 pages. Still, I just didn't feel right about sending it. I put it away, and almost another year passed. Then, one day, I realized that one portion of the letter was bothering me, so I removed it. Then, I mailed it. My dad never responded. Two years ago I moved back to my hometown to care for my mom. My dad knew I was here, but he made no effort to reach out to me. Last year he won a significant amount of money - so much so that it made the news. Seeing his picture in the media was the first time I saw him since that day I got out of his car. I didn't want his money, but he owed mom over $30,000. I wanted him to do the right thing and pay her so that I could get the bathroom remodeled and make it easier on her getting into and out of the tub. My brother, who was not related to my dad, was actually quasi-friends with him as they both worked in the construction field. When my dad hit the jackpot, he reached out to my brother, and told him to let momma know he was going to make things right with her. Three weeks ago he sent mom $400. So much for making things right. I am at peace with my dad's passing. It saddens me when anyone dies. Death was never meant to be. But I would not be at peace if I had not followed through in writing and sending the letter. You see, in that letter, I told my dad that I had forgiven him and that I loved him. And I meant it. I also told him about Salvation, which was the most important thing I could have told him. The letter made me vulnerable to him again, and when he didn't respond, it hurt. The Lord knew what He was doing. Getting me to place where I could forgive my dad and telling him that I had, wasn't so much for my dad, as it was for me. When my brother came over tonight to tell mom and I this news, I didn't burst into tears. I hugged my brother and I thanked him. I realize many of you will offer your condolences. I appreciate that. It's not the purpose of this post. The purpose is this (and I believe there is somebody here that needs this): If you are a parent - mom or dad - that neglected, mistreated, or abused your child - if you never apologized or took responsibility for it, please do so. Your child may not forgive you, but it is the right thing to do. If you are a child of a parent who abused you or hurt you, I am sorry. I encourage you to forgive that parent and tell them you have. Holding that grudge and anger, will only cause you to make mistakes and potentially mess up your life. You certainly won't enjoy it and you won't have peace. By the way, that doesn't mean you pretend nothing happened. To the contrary, there were firm parts to letter I wrote my dad where I specifically outlined things he did that hurt me. If your parent has passed away, it's not too late. Write it out. Go to the grave and speak it. There is a wonderful scene from the movie Courageous where one of the characters does that. In conclusion, there were some good things about my dad. The man could build and make things. When I was a small child he made a toy box for me. I still have that toy box, and I'm grateful I do. When my bike got stolen, he actually built me a new bicycle. He put white tires on it, I remember being so embarrassed. My dad taught me that when you start a project, you finish it. You do the project right, no shortcuts. If someone pays you to do work, you do it correctly and on-time. If you agree to do a job, you do it. You work your hardest, and then some. And you don't complain.

My Dad Passed Away Tonight

January 24, 2024 09:23AM

I'm sorry you went through all that, Service. Forgiveness is like a salve; let it continue to heal. -gives your hand a little squeeze-

If your path dictates you walk through hell, do it as though you own the place. -unknown

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January 24, 2024 10:06AM

I'm sorry to hear that. No one ever knows someone's back story or what they have been through. My thoughts are with you. God Bless.

January 24, 2024 11:35AM

Your story touched me deeply. You sound like a much better person than your dad. You are blessed you were able to forgive him because it does make a difference in the way you live the rest of your life. I hope you both see each other in heaven after it's all said and done with. God bless.

Shopping Arkansas, Louisiana, & Mississippi.

January 24, 2024 11:40AM

The writing of that letter was for YOU, not for anyone else. It never needed to be sent. It was to help your closure. It sounds like you're almost there.

January 24, 2024 03:43PM

That has to be one of the most thoughtful posts I have ever read here on this Forum. What @hotrod22 said is true, that we never know another person's backstory. Forgiveness & salvation is Christ is indeed a wonderful thing, and I'm glad you encountered that along your journey. Thank you for sharing all that with us. I hope in some small way that getting all that down and posted has helped the ache you have carried all these years.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/24/2024 03:44PM by guysmom.

January 25, 2024 12:06PM

@ServiceAward wrote:

Thank you all. It was therapeutic to write.

I didn't even make the obituary. I'm really not surprised.

For the same reason that songwriters usually pen their best work when they are younger and had that horrific relationship breakup. Well, then there is Taylor Swift, who goes through relationships just for the material.

January 25, 2024 02:52PM

This is the first time I have visited this section of this great forum.
I am sorry to hear of your loss. I really don't know what else to say. I read every word you wrote. I think it's good that you got everything out. Still, its your dad and I'm sure you're upset about his passing.
My best to you and keep posting.

Shopping within about 75 miles of Albany NY

January 26, 2024 04:09AM

I am so sorry about your Dad! Mine is an awesome person so I can't relate. He and my Mom are still married. I'm glad you were able to forgive him.

May he rest in peace.

"I told myself to quit you; but I don't listen to drunks." -Chris Stapleton

January 26, 2024 04:13AM

Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your story with us. I can't believe some parents wouldn't try to reach out to their child especially after getting a letter like that. Maybe ego? You sound like such a kind soul. Sorry for your loss.

January 27, 2024 09:39PM

Peace and Prayers for you. You never know what one is going through unless you come across something like this. Most of us don't share for fear of being vulnerable and judged but thank you for writing down your thoughts. I hope that with time, some scars will heal and others, we would learn to cope up with them. I am sorry for your loss and for what you and your mum went through all these years. May forgiveness and kindness rule your heart rather than bitterness. I wish you all the peace and happiness in this world.

February 12, 2024 05:44PM

deleted

Moderator Note:

Post removed for violation of Forum guideline: No personal insults.

February 12, 2024 05:56PM

Where's your fake post about gardening? Accidentally posted to the wrong forum? Ha! That's my problem with you.

February 12, 2024 06:14PM

Oh, that wasn't your post about gardening? You know, the one you deleted? Ha!

February 12, 2024 07:00PM

Liar

February 12, 2024 10:27PM

ServiceAward: Thank you for making us all a lot wiser! Now it's time to forgive yourself.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

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